but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
