After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
