Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
