So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
