***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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