I can't watch pbs sober anymore
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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