you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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