It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
