Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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