You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
