from now on my penis is your penis
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
