I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
