I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
