this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
