He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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