It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
