If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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