I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
