Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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