@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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