If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
