Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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