Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
