fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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