I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
