i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
