My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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