I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
