haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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