I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
