I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
