Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He? As in you personified your dick?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
