Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
