I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
