My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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