We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
