kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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