My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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