She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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