She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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