Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
