I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
