I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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