broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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