if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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