you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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