You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
