i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
