omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
