Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
