I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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