I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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