the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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