anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
