I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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