i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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