I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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