Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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